Saturday 11th March 2000

Dak the Hamster reports on a strange new hamster to emerge onto the scene

She looked at me over the top of her gold-rimmed spectacles that gave here that certain air of intelligence and spoke calmly to me: 'So, what problems do you have that you want to discuss?'

I thought for a moment, sifting through my mind like a gold digger panning for some small nugget but it was all a blank.

'Actually' I squeaked 'I've only come to do the interview and go'

She flipped open a notepad and wrote something at the bottom left corner, muttering something to herself under her breath and then saying loudly to me:

'So how long have you been dissatisfied with your nest compartment?'

I thought long and hard for a moment - no, I wasn't dissatisfied, it was just a place to sleep. I returned her gaze and told her politely that she was mistaken.

'It is one of the most difficult things for any mentally ill patient to do' she squeaked 'Face up to the truth about oneself. But, believe me, honesty is much better than living in denial. Now, are you going to tell me the truth or not?'

I realised at that moment that there was nothing I could do that would justify my own happiness. After all, if that old stunt was going to be pulled that, even if I denied it, it was still true, what chance did I have? I began to feel like a politician under the crossfire of a studio audience - though, in that case, truth could never be discerned even if it was spoken.

'I've come here to interview you' I repeated 'and after that I must go. I have a deadline to meet back at the Weekly'

Again she scribbled something down on the pad and drew a large arrow from one, pointing to the other: 'I can see that you were never happy with your mother - did she bully you into growing up? It's alright' she continued 'everything you say here will go no further than you, me and this notepad'

'This is nothing to do with my mother!' I squeaked indignantly.

'My mistake' she said 'I often get confused with the mother and father complexes. What was it about your father, then, that so annoyed you that you find yourself having to put yourself under pressure to produce something every week?'

'There was nothing wrong with my father!!!' I shrieked 'I've only come to do an interview!!!'

Almost unflustered, Fluffy Bernadette smiled knowingly and continued 'Anger is a sure sign that there are pre-adult phobias that need rooting out and removing. It's only a matter of time but we'll get there if you face up to the past and allow me to deal with it for you'

I threw my front paws up in despair - 'This is useless' I thought 'How can I possibly do an interview here?'

Fluffy Bernadette is therapist to the rich and famous hamsters who have hang ups and problems they need to discuss. I had been sent here by the Rodent Weekly because her name had started to appear in Medical Journals and Advertisements on billboards, offering her services to the 'neurotic rodent who wants to be a better mammal than his fellow creature'

That had immediately got the alarm bells ringing in our own ears at the Weekly and I'd been sent - goodness only knows why me! - to interview her. I had failed...but, there again, perhaps this was something that was rooted in my past? Something that had attached itself to me as a hamlet?

'Don't be daft' I told myself as I got up from the couch to go 'If you believe that, you really do need help!'

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly. This article appears courtesy of that paper. The Hamster Presidential web site can be found at www.hamsterforpresident.com