Saturday 4th November 2000
The late Dak the Hamster reports on recently received email
[Editorial Note - As Nuffin noted last week, this article is one of those undiscovered articles of the late, great Dak the Hamster and appears here as a memorial to him. We can't be sure just when this article was written but we think, judging by a conversation we had with the GFO, that it was compiled sometime in August 2000. We trust that our readership will appreciate it]

There was a squeaking voice and a small flag indicated that I'd received mail. I double-clicked on my inbox and read the author...the GFO? The GFO had actually sent me a message? I accessed the mail and read the content.

She'd been delighted, she said, to meet me back in November - had really enjoyed the visit on her short stay with Lee and Kath before embarking on her covert mission to Central Africa. This past few weeks, however, she'd noticed that Diddley Squat IV had put on weight - but he was in as good a health as he ever had been.

I booted up my notebook and typed in the headline:

'Diddley Squat fattens himself on Campaign profits while Third World suffers hunger'

I clicked on my email address book and highlighted the GFO's name. This should cause some quick reply! I watched it disappear into cyberspace and sat back to await developments.

Twelve minutes! Wow! She was slipping...I was half expecting it to be just a matter of seconds.

No, she assured me, that's not what she'd meant. She put it down to middle-aged spread and not to over-indulgence. It was all a misunderstanding, she said, and even now she was addressing the problem.

My notebook sat idly by my side so I typed in:

'Diddley Squat nearing old age says GFO - seeking quick fix for recapture of youth'

The email software silently sent the message and my inbox flashed almost instantaneously with another message, this time in capitals and telling me in no uncertain terms that I'd misunderstood deliberately and - Hey! - what sort of hamster had I developed into? Wasn't I supposed to be on the side of the Presidential Campaign?

I thought carefully and returned the headline:

'Respected hamster journalist blackmailed by leading human campaigner'

and offered the alternative:

'Rodent writer appalled at depths of sleaze and corruption in Hamster Presidential Campaign'

Well, the GFO must have complained to a higher authority cos, the next thing I knew, the phone rang - it was Lee, my human master.

What was I doing? What did I think I was playing at? Did I realize that the GFO had a weak heart?

Mmmm...perhaps I should reconsider? I selected the text with the Ctrl A command and hit the delete button but hovered over the confirmation command with hesitancy. Could be interesting if I did print it...could be very interesting.

No.

I confirmed the deletion and lifted up the front page of the New York Times...why even try and write misleading headlines when the humans seemed to have cornered the market in them?

I opened a new file and typed the headline 'Diddley Squat matures on Campaign Trail'

Dak the Hamster wrote for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.

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