Saturday 19th February 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on the carrots-to-vote-human policies

'Under a Republican Administration' said the Presidential Candidate 'every hamster will be given a house to live in'

There was a sharp pull on the tails of the suit and the speaker swung round, lowered his head and allowed his advisors to whisper in his ear - 'Sir, hamsters don't want to live in houses. They're quite content to live in self-constructed burrows under ground'

He turned back to face the crowds, smiling - 'M-my apologies' he stammered 'I can't read my own writing'

He paused and brushed what appeared to be dust away from the script before continuing - 'Under a Republican Administration, every hamster will be refused a house to live in'

Another sharp pull on the tails saw the same scene, his advisors whispering 'No, sir, if I may advise you - that will sound like you are deliberately withholding what other, more prominent, mammals are allowed to possess'

'H-ha' the Candidate grinned sheepishly 'You'll have to excuse me - all the rain has run the ink together and it's making it very hard to distinguish between the characters'

The crowd looked at one another in amazement. Certainly, he may have been rehearsing his speech in the shower but there hadn't been a drop of rain for the passed month and the forecasters were all saying it would continue like this long into March. But, undisturbed by the inaccuracy of his statement, he continued:

'Under a Republican Administration' he paused as if rehearsing the words in his mind to try and get them absolutely perfect and vote-catching 'Every hamster will be given the opportunity to live in a house should they so wish, even though many choose to live in their own burrows and, even when there are no houses available, we shall not refuse any hamster a house simply on the grounds of there...er...not being any'

He looked around at his advisors and saw them nodding their approval. With great confidence, he launched into point two:

'And, under a Republican Administration, there will be free healthcare for all rodents and...'

Another tug.

'...for all rabbits under the age...'

Another.

'...of any age'

The Candidate paused, puzzled by where his sentence was leading him. He thought for one moment before continuing 'Yes, a rabbit of any age will be able to get housing even when none is available and we will check the health of every residence on a regular basis for such things as woodworm and damp mould and eradicate...'

'Some species of woodworm are kept as pets by hamsters, sir' said the advisor.

'...and encourage them to develop distinct family groups, to interrelate and to surf the web, which I invented'

The advisors covered their eyes to hide their embarassment, hung their heads in shame and began to cry. Not since the days of Ronald Reagan had anything like this happened before and they were fast losing the will to live...

This transcript was passed to me by a colleague out west but the facts of the matter are by no means rare. Similar reports are streaming into our offices here at the Rodent Weekly daily as the Rodent vote gathers importance in the forthcoming elections. Never before - and history will record this in years to come - has so much depended on the will of the hamster population.

Therefore, as editorial policy, we must urge you not to be led astray by such promises of any Candidate - now, as has always been the case, a human vote is a wasted vote and Ganjette is the only one who can guarantee that being elected, she will fulfil all the promises that have passed her lips.

Vote hamster!

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be found here