Saturday 5th February 2000
Ebony the Hamster shares a little about contraband manuscripts

''Ere, Guv' said the voice behind me as I nestled down amongst some old discarded bedding for a short nap 'Fancy buyin' a manuscript - kna what I mean?'

I turned to look quizzically at my questioner - not an easy thing to do for a hamster when he's in need of sleep and is long overdue even the briefest of naps due to pressure of work. It seemed to succeed, though, and he continued, answering the questions that he appeared to read on my face.

'Ahm an 'onest rat - 'onest I am' he squeaked 'And I 'aves these manuscripts - acquired 'em like - and fought you may be intrested to pruse 'em. Na obligation - na, none'

He held up a series of scrolls wrapped in leather tubes and pushed one into my paws, encouraging me to open the seal and read the contents. I hesitated for a moment wondering whether I was doing right handling such seemingly ancient manuscripts - and such as were marked 'Made in the ancient library of Alexhamstria' - but the salesman insisted so it must be okay.

Clicking open the metallic lock, I pushed back the outer leaf and read from the top of the page:

'The Secrets of the Universe by Julius Seizure'

'Mmm...interesting spelling' I thought 'There is obviously more to this rat than meets the eye'

I decided to play him a long - just for a little while, you understand, I had no intention of deliberately causing him grief - but the deception that had just been tried on me needed to be brought to his attention.

'Forgery' I squeaked 'It doesn't have the feel of a real manuscript and, besides, it's misspelt'

'MISSPELT?!' he exploded 'Wass misspelt?'

'Julius' I assured him 'it's J-E-W-E-L-E-U-S. Obviously a forgery. Where did you get it?'

'Arve bin robbed!' he shouted 'And Arve 'ungry marves to feed! Ah mister - be kind to a poor lonesum rat!'

To be honest, I wasn't sure whether he was attempting to deceive me further or whether he had, in truth, been deceived himself. I guess that's the difficulty with a lie - it seems to lead from one to another and, before you know where you are, the liar becomes so disillusioned by the lies he tells, he can no longer tell what truth is.

I'd met this problem before and only recently had been totally bewildered by a story I'd been working on for Dak, my colleague-in-fur, when he'd asked me to cover some Republican nominee or other - or was it Democrat? I can't remember - they're all the same to me, anyhow. I'd read all the previous speeches and sat up most of the day, trying to piece together the policies that he would stand and fight an election over - but nothing I read seemed to harmonise with the other facts I knew.

For instance, to the Gay Rights Activists, he said 'I wholly support the liberation of your sexual orientation' but to the Born Again Christians Convention had told them that 'I stand for truth and integrity and will promote the knowledge of the God of the Bible'. There again, he spoke of 'the need to assert the right of the unborn child' and, two weeks after, 'the need to assert the right of the pregnant mother'.

I mean, which line is the guy actually taking? If the candidate becomes all things to all men, he will, in effect, be nothing to anyone. If the man says whatever will gain him the public vote, the voters will get a man who doesn't even know what truth is.

And that's a problem - no matter who the man is.

I returned my gaze to the rat who stood before me and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, took out a small gold coin that can be used amongst humans to buy food items (I'll explain this custom at another time) and pressed it into his paws.

What made me immediately think I'd been gullible was the chink-chink-chink that emanated from his knapsack as he wandered down the road in search of another victim...

Ebony the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be found at www.hamsterforpresident.com