Yarash - as you are all, no doubt, aware - is a much sought
after hamster. I recently wrote an article which detailed his rise
to fame and which was published as an end of year review in our Weekly's
Christmas Special. Then, early in January, controversy surrounded his
participation in an agricultural dilemma and I again reported Yarash's view in
an article two issues
ago.
This week, news has just come in to the office
that Hamish 'Spielberg'
McClinton has chosen Yarash to be the star of his new blockbuster movie
entitled 'Ham Kong' which will launch Yarash into the movie industry on his own
account. I caught up with Yarash over lunch at the Cosmopolitan and we
reminisced about 'old times' and the way the Presidential Campaign was going
before turning our attention to the new movie:
'So, you're going to be a star at last?' I
joked.
'That's what my advisors keep telling me' he
responded 'But I think it is more a demonstration that hamsters are starting to
be taken seriously in the politics of our day. Why, when the first film was shot
with a monkey in the title role, primates were not well thought of, but now they
appear regularly in films such as the "Any which way but loose" series and in
adverts and commercials. If they weren't so popular, they wouldn't be so well
used'
'So you see the title role not so much in terms of
your own popularity but in the increasingly popular acceptance of rodents in
general?'
'Precisely. This film is just a remake of a much
older one, but the main attraction that will sell it is the hamster
element'
'What exactly is the plot, then?' I asked. I had never
actually caught the original in all my years of watching my master's tv and was
intrigued by the plot.
'It's a bit like Godzilla but with more fur'
Yarash explained 'I take the role of a hamster who has been genetically modified
by radioactivity...'
'That must have been painful' I
interjected.
'Oh no - that's the story line - it's all done
with mirrors and special effects - I didn't actually have to be modified.
Anyway, having now been genetically changed, I grow into this giant rodent who,
for some unknown reason that is never adequately explained, swim over to New
York and burrow a nest in the bowels of the Metro'
I giggled with hysteria - 'You're kidding,
right?'
'No, this is absolutely true. I know it's
implausible but it'll sell. You should see the plaster casts of the turds
they've made for the final scene - they're enormous. Anyway, I digress. There
are two human stars who eventually manage to capture the giant hamster and
return it to the wild - not because that's the best thing to do with it but
because they want to be able to justify a sequel'
'And this is called "Ham Kong",
right?'
'Yes - and due for release in the Spring. Watch
out for it, it'll be a sell out for weeks'
'How come it'll be a sell out if it's just a
remake? I can go along with the hamster element selling the film but surely not
to blockbuster proportions?'
'Ah yes. I forgot to mention the nasal
developments that will be released with the film. The studios have been
perfecting "Nasalscope", a radical addition to the viewing experience which
actually floods the cinema complex with the associated smell that you're
watching. It's just like being there and those turds come in to a world of their
own.
'In times passed, you just saw it - now you can
actually smell and experience what it must be like. And that's what will make
the film'
I thought for a moment and then had to agree -
this will be a whole new viewing experience. Yes, I must make sure I book those
tickets as soon as possible for the first night...
Dak the Hamster writes for
the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be found www.hamsterforpresident.com
