Saturday 15th January 2000
Dak the Hamster meets up with Yarash

I caught up with Yarash the night after the story broke - just about every paper carried the news and Yarash had been inundated with photographers and pressmen who had besieged his apartment from where he had politely issued press releases on an almost hourly basis.

This, quite naturally, had not satisfied the baying hounds, the editor receiving a phone call requesting my presence so that Yarash's side of the story could be presented factually and without unnecessary bias in a Rodent publication - the unexpurgated truth, so to speak.

It wasn't difficult pushing my way through the crowds of reporters which lined the street - being much smaller, I was able to dart between their legs without them even recognising my presence before it was too late and I was inside the building waiting for the lift to arrive.

The apartment door opened and I walked in to a warm welcome and was bid to sit down while Yarash put the last touches to his fur before he emerged to be seated in front of me, smiling warmly.

'I expect you know why you're here?' he began. Indeed I did and a quick nod of the head signalled the beginning of the interview 'Ganjette is worried that this may be blown out of all proportion so it's best we get the facts straight'

'So why were you invited to talks with the UN?' I asked. It was the question on every rodent's mind since we first saw the pictures and heard the discussions. After all, this was an unprecedented move on the part of a human peace-targeted organisation to enlist the help of a rodent. Perhaps, even now, the humans had realised that Ganjette was destined to become President? The UN had gone largely silent on the issue which had prompted the theorizing and scandal that had been written in just about every tabloid imaginable - I was glad that, at last, I would know the truth.

'Last week' Yarash began 'I received a phone call from an agricultural representative saying that they would value my insights into the problem they were having with one of their member countries...'

'Iran, right?' I interjected.

'...yes, that's right - Iran. Though "problem" is possibly too strong a word for it. All that had happened was that the other member states were saying that the quality of pistachio nuts that were being exported had plummeted to unacceptable levels and they had no definitive answer on the subject from any human - tasters were either being paid by the Iranian Nut Growers or salaried by the nations who were accusing the exporters, so they needed an independent'

'And that's where you came in?' I was hastily scribbling notes and trying to get each word reported accurately and with the minimum of my own interpretation.

'Absolutely'

'And that's why the UN called on you?'

'No, no. Not the UN. That's a misunderstanding'

'Misunderstanding?' I squeaked 'But I thought that was what all the fuss was about? Anyway - didn't I see you declare some of those harvests as "UN"?'

'Well, yes. But that's just it. This had nothing to do with the United Nations. I was only asked to taste what was brought before me and label the poor quality produce as "UN" - that is, "Unacceptable Nuts". It had nothing to do with the United Nations at all, it was purely an agricultural dispute'

'Oh' I laughed 'Oh dear'

'Yes. It's all been one massive misunderstanding. I've never been involved with the United Nations at all - and possibly never will be until Ganjette is elected to office - but this entire incident is threatening the Campaign'

'Don't worry' I assured Yarash 'I shall report the truth, though I'm not altogether sure just who will want to believe me...'

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be found here