Yes, Yarash was a
controversial figure even in those early days when he was first
born.
My now late colleague-in-fur
Kesef had witnessed the birth of someone great - or so he thought - when he
reported about a new litter to arrive to Balu and Simon on 27th March this year. Though
that 'Yarash' has long since moved on, a new hamlet, born some months after,
took on his name and sort of made it his own.
I reported on 5th June that this new Yarash
was not necessarily being well received by most of the rodent community, even
though Ganjette welcomed him with open arms and a sincere desire to see him
achieve much for the Campaign realising, even then, that the boldness of someone
like him could propel himself into the limelight from which he might exercise an
influence that could only be beneficial to the Presidential
Campaign.
Then, during July, I reported
on Yarash's announcement that he was aspiring to the office of Pope and had set
it as his target to be the first rodent to take the position since the very
early days when hamsters were far better thought of than now. Almost
immediately, I learned of a natural disqualification which was published the
following week under the title 'Yarash in Marriage Shocker'
which revealed that Yarash had been married for a number of weeks and had
unfortunately overlooked that obstacle which stood in the way to him fulfilling
his ambitions.
He immediately disappeared
from the public eye only to resurface some weeks later at a Press function where
I managed to collar him and get a few words of clarification from him as to his
exact future plans. Although I didn't report on them in the Rodent Weekly back
then as requested by Ganjette, what has transpired has only served to confirm to
myself that everything has 'gone according to plan' in the promotion of Yarash
into a position of influence and prominence which will beneficially reflect onto
the Campaign.
With this background in mind,
I travelled around three weeks ago to Yarash's private apartment - located
separately from the other Campaign members - to begin a series of three
interviews stretched over the course of a week in which I was commissioned to
'report accurately the things concerning Yarash' and to 'detail the lifestyle
that has been achieved by this hamster so that the world may see what can be
achieved in such a short time'.
It is with these intentions,
therefore, that I began the interview.
The
Interview
'It's not been easy' squeaked Yarash as he sipped
a small cup of sunflower seed oil from a goblet in his right paw 'but I think
I've managed to maintain that certain air of dignity that has been a necessary
part of the image I'm seeking to portray'
Yarash lay reclined on a sofa with a pillow under
each arm and a fan gently blowing a breeze across his nose. It was one of the
hottest December days that there'd been on record and the public heating
utilities had gotten the settings wrong yet again. The complaints had been put
in but all to no avail - just wait til they came back to work after the weekend,
then they'd surely be told to get something sorted out.
'After all that confusion with the pope thing'
Yarash continued 'I needed to lie low for a few short weeks before making my
move out into the wild world. And, when I finally did, it was paramount that I
get myself a private apartment from which I could begin to develop my career
into the human world'
Renting an
Apartment
Finding an apartment was not
easy - especially when you're the size of a hamster - for landlords look
sneeringly on any animal other than their own species and generally are
ill-disposed to allow alterations to the furniture and fittings which a hamster
must make if he's to remain comfortable. But, as chance would have it, Yarash
learned of an apartment block only two streets away from the Campaign
Headquarters which was run by a rodent who went by the name of Felicity
Furball.
'I knew he was special the moment I first lay eyes
on him' she told me 'that lovely black sheen on his coat and the glint in the
eyes told you he was from good stock. He was apprehensive at first - but when I
agreed to drop the price, he snatched the keys outta my hand and moved in within
the hour'
'The price had to be right' explained Yarash 'A
dollar fifty cents a month was too high even for a hamster of my social standing
at that time, seeing as I had no disposable income with which to do anything.
So, when she knocked it down to a dollar ten, I jumped at the opportunity - but
I'm no miser. As my income has sky-rocketed, I've increased the rent of my
own accord and it now stands at...er...let me see...' Yarash reached for the
rent book which sat curled on the mantelpiece 'Ah yes, a dollar twelve'
'I think some of your photographers came down and
had me pose outside the apartment to make it look as if I was in the process of
looking around for a place...'
Yarash pulled a picture from a pile of photos
lying by his side and handed me the print - 'Here - you can have this for your
article, it'll make a decent picture to introduce the section - want me to
autograph it? I hear that a genuine pawprint of a famous hamster can increase
the value of memorabilia by hundreds of dollars'
I kindly declined his offer and moved on to how he
settled in. After all, wasn't the apartment unfurnished?
Buying the
Right Furniture
'That's right - yeah. Just the four walls and some
carpets and rugs that were left by the previous occupant. I couldn't furnish it
over night, you understand, but with three weeks of hard work I was able to
begin to add bits and pieces as my salary would allow. I think you reported on
one of my mother's buying
trips for the Presidency but my tastes were more than purely
functional.
'I had eastern influences in my mind, the asian
peninsula where the land and architecture is full of oriental promise. It was
quite a deal trying to get anything that remotely fit my dimensions...here, I
have another picture from those days when I had to settle on furniture that was
a bit smaller than I would have liked...'
He pulled another photograph from the pile, though he
struggled between a choice of two, eyeing each with the care of a connoisseur
judging between two different vintages of wine.
'Yes' he finally squeaked 'I think this one is the
better of the two - I could always sign the back if you want me to. Unless, of
course, you intend using it for publication as well'
'I think I'd best keep my options open so I'd best
not have it signed' I replied. I sat looking at Yarash laid out on a wicker
chair with his behind disappearing through the arm rest at the other end.
Eastern style goblets glittered before him and the room seemed to be chock full
of plants that would supply him with the odd nibble as necessary.
'What was Felicity Furball's reaction to all this?
Was she happy to have so much junk brought into the apartment?'
'Junk?' squeaked Yarash indignantly 'Most of this
"junk" was semi-priceless antiques that were wisely purchased from dealers who
were eager to help support my unique and valued tastes. All of these articles
are authentic creations of the far east. Here...' and he pointed to a label
under the main table '...this says "Made in Hong Kong" and this one "Made in
Taiwan". Why, even this eastern bookshelf has an authentic label on it which
reads "Made in 32BC by the indigenous population of Nga-nga land"'
I made a brief mental note to begin a journalistic
investigation into the antique dealers of Chevy Chase come the following
week.
'But all these home comforts' I changed the
subject 'were hardly getting you out of the house and into the mainstream of
human society, were they?'
Buying the
Right Car
'Exactly!' squealed Yarash
with some excitement 'So the next thing on my mind was to get out and about and,
for that, I needed to purchase a car'
A real car? Surely not a real car! Why, how could
his paws ever reach the pedals and, even if they did, how could he see over the
dashboard to steer?
'Oh yes, a real car, alright - made by Dinky. It
was a world's first - I think your paper reported on it even though you were
busy editing George's Gospels and someone else was sent - an old metal pressing
of a toy that had been produced over five years ago, fitted with one of the
world's smallest engines made by Ford. The result was spectacular - a purple
sports car that I could make myself at home in and drive from here just about
anywhere'
But I feel we're going too fast so I draw Yarash
back to the reason for all these additions to his lifestyle. His purpose was to
get out into human society, wasn't it?
Regular
Nights Out
'Oh yes. And I never lost sight of it, either.
It's very easy to look at the trappings of my lifestyle and think "Hey! This
dude's cool!" - which, of course is quite true - and miss out on the reason for
all this stuff.
'If you're going to influence society for the
hamster cause, then you have to become like the ones you're trying to reach -
which means the latest jaguars, the fanciest decoration for the apartment, the
best food. You know, Dak, I simply hate having some of this stuff but needs must
and all that'
So what was he actually doing to get himself known
by the human world?
'Nights out are probably the best example of what I do -
or, at least, the best example of how I started out. I'd go down the local bar
and hang loose with the humans, shoot a little pool and get to know everybody. I
found it difficult come closing time though cos I couldn't fit any of them into
my convertible and drive them home, it being so small - but at least I spent
many hours with them, gaining their confidence'
Yarash again reached for the pile of photographs
and selected a picture of him sitting at the bar with a drink in front of him.
He pressed it into my paw and reached for a pen 'Are you sure you don't want me
to sign it?'
'Quite sure' I squeaked 'Where was this
taken?'
'Bout three blocks from here - that's Joe in the
background if you look carefully and it's a tomato and walnut shake I've got in
front. Boy, they don't make them like they used to do down there. I really miss
the place now having to seclude myself now that I've become so influential and
famous. I just can't mix with the people I once used to'
'But what about the church? You still
lead the odd mass or two, don't you? I seem to remember seeing the announcement
in the local press that you officiate'
Yarash looked somewhat embarrassed and hung his
head for a while before confessing 'Yes, that's right - but don't tell Ganjette,
will you? I think it goes back to my desire to be pope. Yes, a local priest
agreed to ordain me - can't remember his name but it was during that time that
just about anyone or anything was being ordained to the clergy, regardless of
religious belief - seem to remember there are still a couple of satanists who
practice near here along with a grasshopper, a hedgehog and a fire
extinguisher'
I held up the photo I had from a Rodent Weekly
photographer - 'As you can see, I've had my spies out' and I grinned.
'But there's no photography allowed! You must have
sneaked a button hole camera in, you cads!' Yarash complained - then mellowed
'Don't want me to sign it for you do you?'
'Let's move on to your main influence' I squeaked,
slipping the photograph away into the pouch behind my notebook 'It wasn't long
before the rich and famous were knocking at your door asking for counsel and
advice, was it?'
Confidant of
the Rich and Famous
'Absolutely. It was a natural progression. I had
been so successful with the problems that had been knocking at my door that my
fame was bound to reach the higher echelons of society. Billy was first, I seem
to recall'
Billy?
'Oh yes, sorry - that was my nickname for him.
Bill Clinton. He'd been going through a torrid time after having been accused of
smoking cigars and charging blue dresses to his expenses account so his
messengers turned up one morning, I recall, to ask me to attend a private
audience with him that very day'
What was Yarash's reaction?
'I said, first and foremost, I'm not that type of
hamster but, when they explained to me that all he wanted was some advice then I
got into my sports car and was towed in one of their limousines all the way to
the Whitehouse'
And what did he talk about?
'Ah no - can't say. Confidential. But I gave him
my autograph which I know he'll treasure for the rest of his life. There was
that picture that was published in the New York Times, too, of when I needed to
whisper some alteration to the speech he was giving at short notice...'
'Yes, I have a signed copy' I lied.
'...saved the day, I'm told. But most of his
advisors will ring me from time to time and ask my advice on issues that are
just so diverse'
Does he have an example?
'Well, just yesterday, one of the Senators asked
me whether a pink tie went with a yellow shirt. I told him only if he was
intending to be sick down the front of it'
'I understand that it isn't just the politicians
that clamour at your front door. Isn't it right that you're Pamela Anderson's
personal confidant?'
'Yes, absolutely' Yarash seemed proud to be
associated with her 'I call her Hamela and she finds it real amusing. There's a
lot been said against that poor woman which is mostly unjustified. They say that
she's all timid and weak when it comes to speaking into a mike but I've always
found her very big up front. I got misunderstood on more than one occasion,
though...'
'Yes I remember the articles - what were the
headlines now? "Yarash is Boob Voyeur" was one and "Yarash in Cheeky Peak Shock"
seems to come back to mind. What was your side of the story?'
'This was the photo that sparked all the
controversy' and he held up the image (above right) 'Hamela was just asking me
for advice when she came to be interviewed by our local press and I turned my
head to listen. Then, suddenly - flash! - and the picture they got of me was
supposed to be of me looking down the front of her blouse. I was doing no such
thing!'
'But you managed to clear your name in the end -
right?'
'Yes. But not before a lot of water went under the
bridge...'
Sports
Star
'...and I had a lot of problems with my sports
participation'
'Ah yes' I squeaked 'I was almost forgetting that.
You had quite a hand in a number of the Redskins victories, didn't you?'
'Yes, that's quite
right'
'How'd it come about?'
'The coach was looking round for someone a little
different who could contribute something unique to the football team, who
wouldn't be pushed off the ball and who could run forever. That's where I came
in - you see, there's nothing in the rules that says absolutely anything about
not being able to pouch the ball so, once I'd been given it, it was a simple
matter of running through the defence to touchdown - they couldn't wrest the
ball off me cos it was in my pouch and that would have constituted a
foul'
'I hear that they're going to bring in new rules
this season, though'
'Er...yes...unfortunately'
Yarash reaches for the now-famous football on one
of the top shelves behind him and hands me the object which bears the signatures
of the entire team.
'I keep it as a momento' he tells me 'but I'm thinking of
selling it off for charity once I've added my own signature'
'Ah yes - charity' I remark 'That brings me round
to my final questions to you. You raise quite a bit of money for several
charities. There doesn't seem a week that goes by when you're not mentioned as
performing some daredevil stunt or other in aid of a good cause'
'Absolutely. Let's see - bungee jumping was,
perhaps, my most favourite stunt. But, I can tell you, my paws shook on more
than one occasion. Worst was that parachute jump I did for the Kosovan Appeal -
I had to be pushed out the plane cos my limbs just froze when I got to the edge
of the doorway'
'You were terrified, then?'
'Oh no - the heating had gone wrong on the plane
and my muscles cramped up til I couldn't move...'
Concluding
Remarks
'So, where do you go from here, then?' I squeaked.
After all, where could a hamster really go when he's at the top of his
profession and just about everyone is clamouring for his counsel and
wisdom?
'You forget' he assures me 'The only reason I was
sent out from the Presidential Committee was to influence all the people I could
meet for the success of Ganjette's election to Office. It's that that I'm
continually trying to accomplish and I think there are a fair few who have seen
the light that could shine throughout this land under a rodent
administration'
I take Yarash firmly by the paw to say goodbye and
he returns my grip tightly.
'Best not wash' he tells me 'That paw of yours
could be worth thousands in years to come...'
Dak the Hamster writes for
the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be found at: www.hamsterforpresident.com
