Dak the Hamster's third interview with Yarash
Last week in the
Rodent Weekly, I reported that Yarash, a black hamster currently living
with Ganjette's Presidential Election Campaign Committee, had put himself
forward as being a prime candidate for the next Pope.
Little did I know
then - and, to be honest, I should have done more research before I submitted
the article to my editor-in-chief - what the international press would
make of the story that seems only like a faint memory.
Yarash, it transpires,
is married - and has been for some weeks - and forgot to look up the requirements
for the position he was aspiring to. The New York Times was first to lead
with the headline 'Yarash in married Pope role' which made their paper
sell out early on Monday morning, followed by the Washington Post's somewhat
logical assertion that:
'Yarash, a candidate
for the next Pope, will be seeking a divorce from his wife, Nadia, before
adding his name to the shortlist of candidates for the next pontiff position'
The National Enquirer,
on the other hand, with its usual misunderstanding of events, proclaimed
'Yarash in secret military campaign against Lithuania' and followed the
next day with the apology 'Yarash denies rumours' and 'Yarash says Pope
stole my tee-shirt'.
There certainly needed
to be some clarification on the matter so I rang Ganjette for the official
position.
'Nadia and Yarash
were married a few weeks ago - it's as simple as that' she told me 'and
Yarash forgot to think through his position on the papacy before he made
the announcement'
So she doesn't think
that Yarash will stand for election (or whatever they do to decide the
office)?
'No, most certainly
not. He has just committed himself to helping the Presidential Campaign
and wants to apologise for any problems he's caused...'
'But he won't be
speaking to reporters?'
'...precisely. Let's
call it "Damage Limitation"' and she squeaked a shrill giggle that told
me that Yarash, at the present time, couldn't be trusted. 'We will wait
a few weeks before releasing Yarash back once more into public life'
With the story settled,
I sat back to rest my paws from the hasty scribbling when the next edition
of the National Enquirer flew across the office to land squarely on my desk.
'Yarash to be the
first hamster to conquer Everest' it read 'In an unprecedented manoeuvre
that will detract from Yarash's recent claims that the Pope stole his tee-shirt,
the hamster is reputed to be leaving for the Himalayas where a secret marriage
ceremony is planned between himself and hamhood sweetheart Nadia...'
'Give them a few
weeks' I thought to myself 'and they'll probably just about get the news
right...'
Dak the Hamster
writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article
appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be
found here
