Saturday 17th July 1999
Dak the Hamster's second interview with Yarash

It's a number of weeks since my last encounter with Yarash, that black hamster who has been causing more controversy than harmony at the Hamster Presidential Party Election Headquarters in Chevy Chase and, to be honest, I have been trying to avoid the rodent in question in case I should should forget my mild-mannered nature and do something really silly.

But needs must...

I had been visiting the Headquarters with the sole intention of reporting on the new strategy but what I didn't know was that Ganjette had been unexpectedly called away to a hastily convened rally across State, taking most of her top advisors with her, and a skeleton staff had been left to answer phones and to get on with the more mundane but necessary duties for the Campaign such as leaflet folding.

Yarash caught my attention as soon as I'd entered the building and, an hour or so into my visit, sent a messenger to summon me into his presence. A confession, I'm told, to amend for his previous ways and attitudes. This I've got to hear...

'I was immature' Yarash began and I scribbled furiously away 'when I wanted to become President in place of Ganjette. I was young and I hadn't yet thought through what I wanted to do. Immaturity - please put it down to immaturity...'

This was quite a climb down, I reasoned, for a hamster so proud as Yarash was. But I soon changed my opinion.

'...but now, having grown up into a mature and rationally-thinking adult, it has been impressed upon me that there is yet a higher position in the world that I should naturally attain to. A position that, like the President of the United States, has not yet seen a hamster fulfil'

He broke off suddenly while my mind raced through the options. A higher position, he said - what was there that was higher than the President? Lead singer with the Rolling Stones? Head of the Federated Planets of the inner solar system? No, no - that last one wasn't even known by most humans. What then? Yarash wasn't slow in coming forward...

'Naturally, I have decided that I should be the next Pope'

I scribbled a note in the top left hand corner of my notepad and it read 'delusional'. There were just too many things against Yarash becoming Pope that I wondered how it would ever be possible. He couldn't speak latin for one and you had to speak latin to make the Gospel inaccessible to all.

'I like the robes' he squeaked 'those long flowing things that touch the floor and the smoke that gets thrown around all over the place.'

'Incense' I prompted.

'No, I'm quite calm. Then there's that strange language they all use - dominus hamstrus in squeakus mucho - you see, I have the flare for it.

I added a 'very' to prefix the word on the top corner of my pad. 'But what about your musical tastes? Oasis and Whitney Houston? They aren't Pope-like, are they?'

'Well, I've had a change of heart and have decided to change to more sanctifiedus musica. Since I last met with you, I have listened to nothing other than Youssou N'Dour and Jaal Mbaye, two African musicians of notable value'

I searched my memory but the names rang no bells. I certainly couldn't doubt that anything had to be better than Oasis but I was still none the wiser. My puzzlement must have shown for Yarash offered:

'Here let me put on a sample for you...this is from the album "Granny get off the gas stove, you're too old to ride the range"...'

'Catchy title' I thought to myself.

'...and is called "Mother hold the candle while I shave the chicken's lip". It's a concept album, I think, about fowl being set free by old women cowboys - this is the concluding piece'

I listened with interest but there was still something that wasn't gelling in my own mind, something that was shouting loud in my ears (apart from the music) that this just could never be. As the music came to its concluding note, I began with a question:

'Don't you think that there are certain...er...problems? I mean, surely the garments won't fit, the fish head hat won't stay on your head and you're hardly likely to be able to carry all that paraphernalia that you have to lug about in the processions'

'You should never underestimate' he concluded 'the power of what a hamster can do...'

And with that, the interview was at an end and I was politely asked to leave.

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be found here