Saturday 5th June 1999
Dak the Hamster reports on a new Campaign Delegate hitting the trail

April and May have been strange months for the Ganjette Presidential Campaign Committee. Following the deaths of Ike, Ziggy and Diddley Squat, the impetus of the movement was somehow lost while furless owners grieved and the hamsters spread the word far and wide to encourage experienced rodents to take up the cause - the hostage crisis which, thankfully, has now been successfully resolved also did nothing to secure the strategy in everyone's minds.

But now, there are newcomers. Though their exact roles have yet to be decided, the recently published 'List II' contains the names of rodents that most animals have not yet encountered. Of course, there are still the old favourites such as Tripod and Mocco who have been committed to the Campaign for over two years now while others, such as Balu and Simon, are arrivals who have carved out a niche for themselves. Other names I don't recognise. For instance, when my eyes met the name 'Rum' I wondered whether this was indeed a list of hamsters or an inventory of food supplies - Amy and Barry (who gives the names to these hamsters? - honestly!) also caught the eye.

But the most curious was a name that I recognised from one of Kesef's old articles - 'Yarash'. It made my ears immediately prick up - was this the hamster that Kesef had written so lucidly about? The one who he'd tipped for almost super stardom? The one who had a certain 'something' about him?

Curious, I ran through the night to arrive at Headquarters and met up with this Yarash as the Party settled down to a late morning snack. No, I was wrong - this Yarash was different, it was just a ghastly coincidence. This Yarash was black and very bold, greeting me with the words I'll always remember:

'Who are you then - a midget on paws?'

If I wasn't such a well-natured hamster, I could have taken it as an insult and smacked him in the gob. But I'm so placid that a loving slap across the pouch (an old Ukrainian greeting) filled with as much venom as I could muster sufficed. He'd obviously read up about the custom for he slapped me back - though he didn't know that I'd padded my pouches for just such a situation.

'Tell me' I began the interview with 'Why is it that rodents are saying you're so egocentric?'

'Could be because I'm so pretty and they're jealous' came the retort.

I scribbled hastily on my notepad making Yarash think that I was committing his sentence word for word but what I actually wrote was 'The rumours are right'

'I notice' I began 'that your interests listed in the "Who's who" encompass music and sports. I wonder if you'd like to tell us what sort of music - Clare de Lune? Eroica? Swan Lake?'

'Never heard of those groups' came the reply 'I prefer Oasis and Whitney Houston we have a problem. That's the thing with music, it's purely subjective. Although I have exquisite tastes and an impeccable listening ear, most people suffer from a lack of good sense and are tone deaf...'

'And this rodent likes Oasis?' I thought to myself.

'...depending on hamsters like myself to show them what is both good and edifying'

At that moment Balu passed by and I reached out and grabbed her paw to prevent her from escaping my need.

'Ah, Balu!' I squeaked, then, turning to Yarash apologised with 'Please excuse me, I must just clarify a few points with Balu here'

Yarash looked disappointed but turned round and scampered away to an open nest compartment that lay on the other side of the room.

'Phew!' I sighed with relief 'I thought I'd never get away...'

'You too, huh?' Balu smiled with a pain that I could see was catching 'Oh no, mother wouldn't listen to me - "He'll be good for the Campaign" she said "He'll add that certain sparkle we've all been lacking til now" she said "Can't fail to bring a breath of fresh air to the movement". Well it was obvious from day one that he thinks more of himself than the Cause. D'you know what I caught him doing yesterday evening...?'

I shook my head but my response was largely unimportant to her continuation.

'...Parting his hair first one way, then the other. Posing in the mirror and saying things like "It is with great honour that I accept the Presidency..." Honestly, if mum only knew...'

'Problematical' I noted on my pad. Then in the bottom right hand corner I pencilled in the words 'Keep an eye on the situation' in bold lead with underlining and exclamation marks. This was indeed a truly volatile situation...

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be found here