Saturday 27th March 1999
Report by Kesef the Hamster on Balu's litter of six hamlets

‘Aahhhhh! Aren’t they the most cutie-wootiest, incey-winciest, cuddly-wuddliest little fur packages that you ever did see in all your entire life?’

I had to agree - not that I’m overly impressed by little hamlets (and even less by the human equivalent who, to me at least, seem to resemble prunes that squirt liquids at you from every orifice and at every conceivable opportunity) and have never had any of my own, but there’s just something ‘lovable’ about critters with legs almost half the length of their bodies that waddle and plop almost everywhere.

‘You beautee-wootiful, hamster-wamsters - you’re mumsy-wumsy’s pride and joy’

I’ve never yet been able to work out why parents - and mothers in particular - seem to talk to their offspring in language that, in later life, they’re rarely ever going to use. I mean, which human, going for a job interview, will ever say ‘My mumsy-wumsy’s name is...’ or ‘My wife is cuddly-wuddly’ - there’s just no way they’d ever get the job. So why do we talk ‘small’ at the kids? Who knows...and it wasn’t something that I was intending to ask as a question.

‘And look who’s come to see you?’ Balu squeaked ‘It’s Kessy-wessef the writer - yeesss, Kessy-wessef who’s here to tell the world about your birthy-wirthy’

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s being called ‘Kessy-wessef’ - not that I have ever been called it in my lifetime but had I been so then I would have objected most strongly. Fortunately, Balu had some errands to attend to and, most importantly, some food to eat so she could regain her strength, and I was left alone with six bouncy hamsters that were inquisitive as to who I was.

‘So, then, Kessy-wessef’ the first said in the hamster equivalent of a Public School accent ‘what’s this that mumsy-wumsy’s been telling us?’

In a flash of realisation, I made a quick mental note to remind myself that ‘mumsy-wumsy’ was still in use by human grown-ups. I interviewed them all individually and was surprised at their forthrightness and fortitude (whatever that means) but there was one hamster in particular who seemed to share my thoughts and mind on issues so diverse in nature that I wondered if, perhaps, he had been alive years rather than days.

That hamster’s name was Yarash - though whether mumsy-w...though whether Balu and Simon decide to name him this is their choice, not mine. But that’s what he called himself and there was, I must point out, a certain presence about him that made me wonder whether I had stumbled upon another time when hamsters ruled the earth and gave respected counsel to all who approached them, so gracious were his words.