Saturday 12 January 2002
Mocha reports from Washington

So who was the real winner of the presidential contest in 2000?
      The question, it appears, has never been answered to anyone's satisfaction. Those who said Gore won in November, well, they're still saying it. The Bush supporters are no less sure of themselves today than they were 14 months ago when they first insisted their candidate won. And the media, well, they just don't know at all. So they've been dodging the question by avoiding it entirely -- or by debating, instead, who is boss in Afghanistan on any particular day.
      It might therefore come as no surprise that millions of Hamster For President supporters are still loudly proclaiming that the so-called 'undervotes' which might have decided the election in Florida -- and probably would have done the same in most other states -- were in reality votes for Diddley Squat and Yarash, Jr. After all, a write-in vote is, by definition, an 'under vote,' as it is written into a space 'under' the spaces printed on the ballot for the 'regulars.'
      But Campaign 2004 is just around the corner, and the Hamster For President Election Committee recently concluded (a sort of collective New Year's resolution, perhaps) that they should at last set the record straight. Regardless of the number of ballots cast in their favor (which doesn't seem to matter much in elections any more), the candidates felt it was important to be the first major ticket to concede defeat without being ordered to do so by the Supreme Court of the United States.
      Is it Bush? Or is it Gore? Well, as one might expect, it is neither. Never has the country been subjected to such a humiliating and degrading choice, to paraphrase candidate Diddley Squat, between an air-head know-it-all and a know-nothing buffoon. Conceding defeat under such circumstances can never be easy.
      But the hamsters had recently noticed that their GFO -- that Great Furless One who feeds them and cleans out the cages -- was wearing a new tee-shirt: 'Alice Cooper, Elected 2000.' Could this mean something?
      Quickly, the campaign staff called a meeting. Ersee, a life-long Alice Cooper fan, lead the debate. 'He's been running since the days of some guy called Richard Nixon,' Ersee told the group. 'And he knows politics better than anyone - anyone except us, of course.'
      Suddenly her eyes lit up and she headed to a pile of CDs teetering precariously on the top of a stereo system. Carefully pushing her way around to the side, she looked through artist names and titles. 'Aha!' she shouted with glee a few moments later, having found what she insisted was 'convincing evidence' that would prove the shock-rocker was really the president of the USA.
      'This is it,' she proclaimed triumpantly, hauling out one of the earlier Alice Cooper 'greatest hits' collections (the one with the gangster-era drawing on the cover). 'Help me turn on this big electonic whatever-it-is...'
      Soon the stereo was booming. And the hamsters listened in amused silence to the lyrics of 'Elected' (1972):

      The room went quiet as each of the hamsters pondered the issue at hand. It was Yarash, Jr. who broke the silence. 'Very honest,' he said, nodding toward his wife, Ersee. 'This really isn't at all like what we hear from the usual breed of politican.'
      'I like that, I really like that,' Diddley broke in, standing tall -- 'the wild party! We could use some partying around here instead of the same old Washington politics, gray, drab, sinister, horrible...'
      'But if we officially concede the election to Alice Cooper,' asked Pacman cautiously, 'what does this do for our chances in 2004?'
      'No more monopoly,' cheered Zebedee. 'And that's a political victory by itself.'
      'And the White House, man, it is gonna rock!' said an exuberant Alison-Fur. 'So are we going to take a vote or what?'
      'Let's begin the debate first,' said a steady Melek, looking up from a copy of the so-called 'Hamster For President Campaign Protocol Book,' a two-paragraph statement printed on an index card advising that a consensus be obtained before any major public announcement.
      Pidgin, the sole Russian hamster on the committee waved a furry paw and impatiently interrupted, 'All in favor say....'
      'Elected! Selected! Respected!' came a chorus of little hamster voices, swaying back and forth as they mimicked the song.
      'Uh, you're not supposed to say elected,' Melek reminded the group. 'You are supposed to say "eye" or "I" or whatever it is. And besides, nobody has debated the motion. I mean, it would be a whole lot harder to beat this guy next time around than either of those two stuffed shirts.'
      'Understood,' said Tennham, quickly tucking a sunflower seed into a pouch. 'But if we are going to get on with Campaign 2004, we need to have closure on the last one. And I have to admit this Cooper would probably be as good a president as we could ever hope to see, human-wise.'
      'Agreed,' came a murmer grom the whole group.
      And with that, YJ solemnly declared the matter resolved. 'We hereby concede the election to Alice Cooper!' he said to a round of laughter.
      'Now it's back to work for the 2004 election. But for now.' he added, turning to Ersee with a wink, 'you can just put that CD back in the player there and ... turn up the sound!'

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