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Do you follow the Bible word for word? Do you try to follow God's good example? I read the Bible to see what God was like, and I agree with all Christian Theists. The Bible is the Word of God, undisputed. I read the Bible for answers and I got them. I asked the Bible: What is God like? It told me…
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"Well young grasshopper, God…
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…cursed, and used to slap animals around!"
Genesis: 8:21 And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
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…had a bit of a speech problem..."
Isaiah: 5:26 And he will lift up an ensign to the nations from far, and will hiss unto them from the end of the earth: and, behold, they shall come with speed swiftly.
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…pukes a little here and there..."
Revelations: 3:16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.
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…changes his mind now and then... (an indecisive character!)"
Exodus: 32:14 And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.
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…moons folks (just like a good ol' boy!) (The darn straight edge; he's even is a little shy in the process...)"
Exodus: 33:23 And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.
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…talks to the devil just like all the real Satanists..."
Job : 1:7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.
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…bum rushes angels with folly… (good help is hard to come by, so its ok)..."
Job : 4:18 Behold, he put no trust in his servants; and his angels he charged with folly.
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…causes adultery (love thy neighbor stuff...)"
2 Samuel: 12:11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
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…causes suicide:"
Jeremiah: 19:7 And I will make void the counsel of Judah and Jerusalem in this place; and I will cause them to fall by the sword before their enemies, and by the hands of them that seek their lives: and their carcases will I give to be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth.
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…causes "indecency" (if He can moon, they can streak, right?)"
Isaiah 20:3 And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder upon Egypt and upon Ethiopia; 20:4 So shall the king of Assyria lead away the Egyptians prisoners, and the Ethiopians captives, young and old, naked and barefoot, even with their buttocks uncovered, to the shame of Egypt.
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…tells people to lie…"
1 Samuel: 16:2 And Samuel said, How can I go? if Saul hear it, he will kill me. And the LORD said, Take an heifer with thee, and say, I am come to sacrifice to the LORD.
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…loves to oppress (but he is a good Capitalist, like Karl Marx)"
Hosea: 12:7 He is a merchant, the balances of deceit are in his hand: he loveth to oppress.
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…rewards transgressors and fools…"
Proverbs: 26:10 The great God that formed all things both rewardeth the fool, and rewardeth transgressors.
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…orders men to drink, be drunk, and vomit (frat-house party animal!)"
Jeremiah: 25:27 Therefore thou shalt say unto them, Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Drink ye, and be drunken, and spue, and fall, and rise no more, because of the sword which I will send among you.
25:28 And it shall be, if they refuse to take the cup at thine hand to drink, then shalt thou say unto them, Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Ye shall certainly drink.
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…wipes shit on peoples faces:"
Malachi: 2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.
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…Has really bad table manners... (well, he handles shit to spread on faces, what do you expect?)"
Hosea: 13:8 I will meet them as a bear that is bereaved of her whelps, and will rend the caul of their heart, and there will I devour them like a lion: the wild beast shall tear them.
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…deceives his own prophets"
Jeremiah: 20:7 O LORD, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived; thou art stronger than I, and hast prevailed: I am in derision daily, every one mocketh me.
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…sought to kill his own emissary"
Exodus: 4:24 And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.
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…sanctions slavery"
Exodus: 21:2 If thou buy an Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing.
21:3 If he came in by himself, he shall go out by himself: if he were married, then his wife shall go out with him.
21:4 If his master have given him a wife, and she have born him sons or daughters; the wife and her children shall be her master's, and he shall go out by himself.
21:5 And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free:
21:6 Then his master shall bring him unto the judges; he shall also bring him to the door, or
unto the door post; and his master shall bore his ear through with an aul; and he shall serve him for ever.
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…orders slave-capturing expeditions"
(kill the men, keep the booty!)
Deuteronomy: 20:12 And if it will make no peace with thee, but will make war against thee, then thou shalt besiege it: 20:13 And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: 20:14 But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.
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…orders the slaughter of men, women, and children (a little blood lust there?)"
1 Samuel: 15:3 Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.
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After killing off the men, keep the virgins around for 'a good time'"
Numbers: 31:17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.
31:18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.
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…poor fella', he can't even trust the truth, so he send delusions to damn people"
2 Thessalonians: 2:11 And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: 2:12 That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.
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…has white hair"
DAN 7:9 I beheld till the thrones were cast down, and the Ancient of days did sit, whose garment was white as snow, and the hair of his head like the pure wool: his throne was like the
fiery flame, and his wheels as burning fire.
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…gets tired and needs a rest"
GEN 2:2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
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…smokes up a little now and then…"
PSA 18:8 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it.
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…has various body parts"
PSA 17:4 Concerning the works of men, by the word of thy lips I have kept me from the paths of the destroyer.
PSA 11:4 The LORD is in his holy temple, the LORD's throne is in heaven: his eyes behold, his eyelids try, the children of men.
PSA 18:8 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it.
ISA 30:27 Behold, the name of the LORD cometh from far, burning with his anger, and the burden thereof is heavy: his lips are full of indignation, and his tongue as a devouring fire:
ISA 1:20 But if ye refuse and rebel, ye shall be devoured with the sword: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.
PSA 8:3 When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;
PSA 18:10 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly: yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.
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…gambles (fixes the dice and lets his people be distributed that way)"
PRO 16:33 The lot is cast into the lap; but the whole disposing thereof is of the LORD.
JOS 18:6 Ye shall therefore describe the land into seven parts, and bring the description hither to me, that I may cast lots for you here before the LORD our God.
JOE 3:3 And they have cast lots for my people; and have given a boy for an harlot, and sold a girl for wine, that they might drink.
OBA 1:11 In the day that thou stoodest on the other side, in the day that the strangers carried away captive his forces, and foreigners entered into his gates, and cast lots upon Jerusalem,
even thou wast as one of them.
JON 1:7 And they said every one to his fellow, Come, and let us cast lots, that we may know for whose cause this evil is upon us. So they cast lots, and the lot fell upon Jonah.
NAH 3:10 Yet was she carried away, she went into captivity: her young children also were dashed in pieces at the top of all the streets: and they cast lots for her honourable men, and all her
great men were bound in chains.
[Continued on next page]
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